Less Education, More Imitation

As a new parent, you think a lot about parenting. It was really impossible before to think about it. But now it stands there in our lives, almost monolithic at times. How does one raise his child? By grace, of course. But grace does not come only at opportune times; it does not always come "when we need it most." Grace, a lot of the time, is given so that you can change now, not later. And this seems to fit in with how I am seeing parenting these days. It is less education, more imitation. And that is terrifying.

My wife and I were spatting the other morning over some inane, pointless contention. After we were through, I asked her, "How long do we have before we have to stop doing that in front of our daughter?" Though we said "Soon," I am sure the answer is "Now." And that's because kids, for the most part, are imitators. One of the worst things we could do for our daughter, it seems, is to live a life of "Do as I say, not as I do." I don't need a psychology degree to tell me that is just dumb. But it's even worse when you realize that your altruism isn't any help either. "I don't want my kid to turn like me." Good luck. Kids, in truth, will not turn into the people we want them to be. Kids will turn into the people we are.

This was driven home by a quote from Doug Wilson, in is book Angels in Architecture (121-122):

The story of child rearing is almost wholly about imitation. We do good or ill, and the young ones follow in lock step, no matter how much we talk and point elsewhere. They are designed that way....

This inescapable imitation should be listed as a means of growing in grace. Parents often jest about their children being ‘means of sanctification,’ suggesting that child rearing is often a trial. But the situation is much more serious than a passing trial. Given the way children have to imitate parents (or whoever fills that role), one cannot just coast passively, selfishly, like we often do through tough times. Our tiniest daily responses in front of the kids constantly mold and chip away at their persons. Children are a means of sanctification because they are daily adopting their parents’ characters, virtues and vices and all. This is a blessing when we are faithful, but it’s a frightening mirror when we see our own sins growing in them. With kids around, we can’t just move slowly on our own growth. We have to grow in grace for the sake of the kids. If we don’t, then we can become a curse to them and their children.

May I realize that God has granted me the grace to change now. My daughter is watching.

HT: Z