How Do You Take Compliments?

More from Tim Keller's lectures on self-esteem:

The way you take compliments says a lot about how you view yourself. People who do not take compliments well usually have a low view of the self. That is, people who have a hard time taking compliments are usually so desperate for compliments that when they finally receive them, they feel like their deep, secret desire for approval has been exposed. The resulting reaction is embarrassment, not thankfulness.

Keller says that compliments should be received not as evidences of how great you are but as evidences of God working in your life. Take compliments as though God is giving them to you. they are gifts. Practically, this would mean you be thankful to the one giving the compliment, but not saying pietistic things like "Praise the Lord!"

Psalm 23 or Antipsalm 23?

Which one do you pray? From David Powlison:

Antipslam 23:

I'm on my own.
No one looks out for me or protects me.
I experience a continual sense of need. Nothing's quite right.
I'm always restless. I'm easily frustrated and often disappointed.
It's a jungle — I feel overwhelmed. It's a desert — I'm thirsty.
My soul feels broken, twisted, and stuck. I can't fix myself.
I stumble down some dark paths.
Still, I insist: I want to do what I want, when I want, how I want.
But life's confusing. Why don't things ever really work out?
I'm haunted by emptiness and futility — shadows of death.
I fear the big hurt and final loss.
Death is waiting for me at the end of every road,
but I'd rather not think about that.
I spend my life protecting myself. Bad things can happen.
I find no lasting comfort.
I'm alone ... facing everything that could hurt me.
Are my friends really friends?
Other people use me for their own ends.
I can't really trust anyone. No one has my back.
No one is really for me — except me.
And I'm so much all about ME, sometimes it's sickening.
I belong to no one except myself.
My cup is never quite full enough. I'm left empty.
Disappointment follows me all the days of my life.
Will I just be obliterated into nothingness?
Will I be alone forever, homeless, free-falling into void?
Sartre said, "Hell is other people."
I have to add, "Hell is also myself."
It's a living death,
and then I die.

Or, Psalm 23:

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me.
Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil.
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Why Don't We Take the "Stop Grumbling" Command To Heart?

Paul wrote rather pointedly in Philippians 2:14-15:

Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.

Now that seems pretty clear to me. Why, then, do we ignore it so often? Complaining, grumbling, is a way of life for Americans especially, but for Christians too. It is our "social mechanism," my wife would say. Now I realize that most people think they grumble altruistically, pragmatically. "We just want to make things right." But that's not really it, is it? We don't want bosses or programs to change. We don't want pastors to be better preachers or shepherds. We don't want friends to be better friends. In truth, we're actually grieved when our grumbling leads to things being 'made right.' Why? Because we then can't grumble anymore. We like to complain. It is our (usually clandestine) way to feel sufficient. When we tear others down, we feel built up.

So why would Paul say to stop grumbling? Because it won't get us anywhere. Pouring worth into an idol (and in this case, ourselves) is an endless enterprise. Idols are sieves. They give nothing back. And that is dangerous because we have only so much blood. Paul knows that grumbling is wholly unhelpful, in all things. Three things:

1. In whatever situation we're in, no matter how dire or terrible, we must remember that grumbling will not help. In fact, it will pollute us and the people around us.

2. If you truly can't remain in a particular situation without grumbling, leave that situation. Know, however, that the issue is probably not your situation--every job and church has issues. The problem, most likely, is you (see point 3).

3. Our ability to keep from grumbling is not self-wrought. It must be based entirely on the Gospel. We will stop grumbling if we consistently recall that the problem with the world is not 'them' but us, and that Jesus died to pay our debt and we are now alive in him. What could we possibly have to grumble about if that is actually true? If your life is based on the Gospel, then you will truly "shine as lights in the world."

Is Your Love Parasitism?

Ed Welch, in When People Are Big and God Is Small, p. 182-183:

Scott Peck, in his best-selling book, The Road Less Traveled, suggests that we can shape other people into host organisms. It is not a pretty picture: people are the intestine, we are the worm.

"I do not want to live. I cannot live without my husband [wife, girlfriend, boyfriend], I love him [or her] so much." And when I respond, as I frequently do, "You are mistaken; you do not love your husband [wife, girlfriend, boyfriend]." "What do you mean?"is the angry question. "I just told you I can't live without him [or her]." I try to explain. "What you describe is parasitism, not love."

People are our cherished idols. We worship them, hoping they will take care of us, hoping they will give us what we feel we need. What we really need are biblical shapes and identities for other people. Then, instead of needing people to fill our desires, we can love people for the sake of God's glory and fulfill the purpose for which we were created.

For me this last step is the hardest. It is not so hard to understand what the Bible says about people—everyone knows that we are supposed to love them—but it is difficult to apply this knowledge. Loving others makes life less comfortable. It means that I give up my own agenda for a Saturday morning in order to help a neighbor. It means that I get hurt more when someone moves away. It means that people stay at our house when I would prefer to be surrounded with just my immediate family.

Isn't that just like God's Word? Just when we think we have adapted it to a comfortable middle-class lifestyle, it messes everything up. It tells us to love others in the same way that we have been loved by God.

Sin is Ungodly Exaggeration

Ed Welch, in When People Are Big and God Is Small, p. 100-101:

To make sin even more difficult to see, it often rides on the back of many good things. For example, work is a good thing, but sin can take it and exalt it to the point where it rules us. We become workaholics who say we are doing it for the kids, but we are really doing it for ourselves. What about financial planning? Isn't it wise to establish a nest egg for the future? This, too, is a good thing, but it can grow to ruling proportions and we forsake generosity. Most sins are ungodly exaggerations of things that are good. As a result, we can supply proof texts to justify our behavior long after it has become idolatrous.

Care, But Don't Please

C.J. Mahaney asked Randy Alcorn, "What single bit of counsel has made the most significant difference in your leadership?" His answer ties in well with the book I have been quoting from recently (When People Are Big and God Is Small) and is clearly not just good advice for leaders:

No one said it in exactly this way, but several men have said what helped me come to this way of thinking: Care about people but don’t live to please them. If you do, you’ll fail your Lord and you’ll fail people too.

As a young pastor I cared too much what people thought. The best cure for this was 20 years ago when I was repeatedly arrested and went to jail for peaceful nonviolent civil disobedience at abortion clinics. I did it because I believed God wanted me to stand up for unborn children. But it was extremely unpopular, to say the least, in Oregon, and even many Christians, including some of our church folk, disapproved. I learned to accept that. We live out our lives before the Audience of One. In the end, his approval is the one that matters. If our goal is to hear others say “Well done,” we won’t do what we need to do to hear him say it.

It's Not About You, It's About the Community

Ed Welch, in When People Are Big and God Is Small, p. 80-81:

The Bible assumes that we have more than enough self-concern. We dress ourselves. We get depressed when things don't go our way. We can be consumed with what someone thinks about us. But cultural assumptions have blinded us. We no longer see the smog we live in. So pastors of many growing churches preach almost weekly about healthy self-esteem, as if it were taught on every page of Scripture. Too many Christians never see that self-love comes out of a culture that prizes the individual over the community and then reads that basic principle into the pages of Scripture. The Bible, however, rightly understood, asks the question, "Why are you so concerned about yourself?" Furthermore, it indicates that our culture's proposed cure—increased self-love—is actually the disease. If we fail to recognize the reality and depth of our sin problem, God will become less important, and people will become more important.

People are Our Favorite Idol

Ed Welch, in his book When People Are Big and God Is Small, says that people "fear man" in two ways (at least so far). We fear that people will expose us (shame-fear), but also that people will reject us (rejection-fear). What do those two fears have in common? He says that they are both forms of idolatry (p. 44-45):

To use a biblical image, they both indicate that people are our favorite idol. We exalt them and their perceived power above God. We worship them as one who have God-like exposing gaze (shame-fear) or God-like ability to "fill" us with esteem, love, admiration, acceptance, respect and other psychological desires (rejection-fear).

When we think of idols, we usually think first of Baal and other material, man-made creations. Next we might think of money. We rarely picture our spouse, our children, or a friend from school. But people are out idols of choice. They pre-date Baal, money, and power. Like all idols, people are created things, not the Creator (Rom. 1:25), and they do not deserve our worship. They are worshiped because we perceive that they have the power to give us something. We think they can bless us.

He continues (p. 46):

What is the result of this people-idolatry? As in all idolatry, the idol we choose to worship soon owns us. The object we fear overcomes us. Although insignificant in itself, the idol becomes huge and rules us. It tells us how to think, what to feel, and how to act. It tells us what to wear, it tells us to laugh at the dirty joke, and it tells us to be frightened to death that we might have to get up in front of a group and say something. The whole strategy backfires. We never expect that using people to meet our desires leaves us enslaved to them.

You Might Fear Men If...

I wish these were as funny as Foxworthy's. A sampling from Ed Welch's When People Are Big and God Is Small (p. 15-17):

• Do you ever feel as if you will be exposed as an impostor? Many business executives and apparently successful people do. The sense of being exposed is an expression of the fear of man. It means that the opinions of other people--especially the possible opinion that you are a failure --are able to control you.
• Do you get easily embarrassed? If so, people and their perceived opinions probably define you. Or, to use biblical language, you exalt the opinions of others to the point where you are ruled by them.
• Do you ever lie, especially the little white lies? What about cover-ups where you are not technically lying with your mouth? Lying and other forms of living in the dark are usually ways to make ourselves look better before other people. They also serve to cover our shame before them.
• Do you avoid people? If so, even though you might not say you need people, you are still controlled by them. Isn't a hermit dominated by a fear of man?
• Aren't most diets, even when they are ostensibly under the heading of "health," dedicated to impressing others? The desire for the "praise of men" is one of the ways we exalt people above God.
• Do you feel satisfaction only when you know your blog is being viewed often (read=when people think you are great)?

Ok, I added the last one.

Kill Me, But Don't Keep Me From Being Liked

I am finally getting to Ed Welch's book When People Are Big and God Is Small.  I have heard plenty about it and even used a section I found online in a sermon.  When I am helping someone through acceptance issues or, more frequently, when I am struggling with my own desperate desire to be liked, I use the title in the form of a question: "Are you making people big and God small?"  There is perhaps no issue that is more destructive, no issue that will drive people more regularly to sin.  It usually isn't money or sex or power that entices.  Usually, those things are only a means by which they can get what they really want: love.  Sadly, I speak from experience.         

I'll be posting some of the more poignant paragraphs and phrases from Ed's book.  Already many of them have driven me to hide underneath the dining room table.  For example, Ed describes how we fear rejection more than we fear God (p. 39):

It all sounds too familiar.  Sometimes we would prefer to die for Jesus than to live for him.  If someone had the power to kill us for our profession of faith, I imagine that most Christians would say, "Yes, I am a believer in Jesus Christ," even if it meant death.  The threat of torture might make people think twice, but I think most Christians would acknowledge Christ.  However, if making the decision for Jesus means that we might spend years being unpopular, ignored, poor, or criticized, then there are masses of Christians who put their faith on the shelf.  "Death is not immanent, so why hurry into such a rash decision?"  "There will be time later to get things straight with God."

In other words, kill me, but don't keep me from being liked, appreciated, or respected.

How to Repent

Ken Sande, in The Peacemaker, lists the "Seven A's" you need to follow to be truly repentant to someone you have wounded (p. 126-134):

1. Address Everyone Involved
2. Avoid If, But, and Maybe
3. Admit Specifically
4. Acknowledge the Hurt
5. Accept the Consequences
6. Alter Your Behavior
7. Ask for Forgiveness (and Allow Time)

The Cycle of Porn Addiction

Over at the Breaking Free blog, Luke Gilkerson reports on biblical counselor Phil Monroe's description of the cycle of any addiction. Most people don't do meth, but a lot of people look at porn. Read the description of the categories in the illustration below here. Don't hesitate to get help if you need it. Porn addiction, while subtle, can ruin relationships and destroy lives.